So Apparently, I Am My Sisters Keeper

A few days ago, my mother was complaining about the stresses of caring for my disabled sister. She complained about how heavy she has become and more importantly how mean she is becoming. And, as I always do, I said, maybe she needs to go to church. This day, saying that aloud, struck a chord in my heart and sent me into deep conversation with God. I first thought about how over my lifetime I cannot remember my mother ever attending church. And how that left me to discover God on my own. I used to resent her for this because I believed if I knew God earlier, my life be so much better today, and that I may have avoided some of my more significant mistakes. But when I think further into it; nothing can replace a self-sought relationship with God. Nothing or no one forced me go to Him. I found Him and studied Him and learned to love him on my own. He is the orchestrator of our relationship and that creates an intimacy between He and I that is indescribable, and a bond that never falters. Because God loves me and forgives me, I love and forgive my mother for not forcing me to church every Sunday morning like some of my friends parents. And, I also able to look at her not as a parent who is unable to make mistakes; but, as a child of God who has been through things that most people couldn't begin to conquer. She has shown myself and my two sisters a love only second to that of God. I've never known to think of or treat my disabled sister any different than I treat my fully capable sister. God dealt her a difficult hand when he chose her to birth my sister but he makes no mistakes and she prevailed. He showed me her strength and her struggles. I was oblivious to them growing up because I only knew what I saw. But as I grew with God, he showed me more and more about my mother, things that I couldn't see with my physical eyes. Things that I couldn't understand as a child. I see her struggles and now I believe, she feels a certain way about God and life. I think there is a lot of anger in her heart for all of the situations that she has had to overcome. And being a mother of three girls, she was never able to express that anger because she was constantly setting an example. So all of these thoughts are going through my head right after I say, "take her to church". I immediately say to God, is my mother saved? I know she prays, because she said she does. But I've never seen her go to church or even read the Bible. I can remember how happy she was when I told her that I had given a testimony at church and rededicated my life to Christ. I felt like she was happy to know that without her I had found God. So I begin to pray for my mother and asked God to get her into church. And then I was sad and asked God if my mother was going to hell. Was she saved? I have no idea. I thought of all her excuses about not going to church. I remember when I was younger, the church my grandmother attend was not wheel chair accessible. That was always my mothers excuse, because she couldn't take my little sister she couldn't go. I kept talking to God asking would he forgive her for not going. And did he understand how difficult it might be for her to get up and go to church with my sister and her wheelchair. Are any excuse valid to God? That was my question to him. Then I wondered if no excuse is valid, then is my little sister saved? She can't walk, she can't talk, she can't read the word. The thought of my baby sister not being saved brought so much sadness upon my heart that I begin to cry. I comforted myself with the thought that she is free of sin, so she's not going to hell right. But then God reminded me that if you have not accepted Him as your savior, then you are not saved. I'm talking to God with desperation and seriousness at this point. "God I am the only person in my immediate family that is saved and trying to develop a stronger walk with you Lord, help me Lord tell me what to do." And with complete certainty I heard him say "you have to pray for them and show them to me". There was no doubt in my head that it became my responsibility to get my family saved. All of my life I thought for sure that my mother and my baby sister were number one on the list for heaven because of who they are. But how can I still believe that, with all that I know? It is not about who you are in the world, it is about the He in you. So now that I am positive that I have to pray for my mother and sister diligently and teach them the word, I am overwhelmed. I have been soul searching for years, wondering about my purpose. Now God has revealed it to me and I am so afraid. I have to save my family. What a wonderful purpose that it is. But what a hard burden to carry. "Dear God where do I begin?"